4 Worst Jobs Given to Characters In Awesome Fictional Universes

When we writers spend rainy Sunday afternoons developing entire universes, rather than living in our own one, the potential for stories worthy of our “To-Write” list grows exponentially. When the time comes to finally weave the narrative, we are faced with a crucial decision – what font should I write the outline in? After that, the more pertinent question arises - who is the most interesting person in this world I’ve created? An unfortunate by-product of this choice is the wealth of supporting characters, some whose existence is only actually implied, that lead hideously boring, impractical and frustrating lives. This is their story.

1) The Star Wars Universe – Bounty Hunter

Let’s dive right into the controversial end of this literary swimming pool. Yes, Boba Fett put the “oo” in “cool” and the “Fab” in his own name backwards, but did you ever stop to think that he says so little because he’s goddamn fed up with his job? 99.9% of his job is hunting down his target, a solitary person in an entire galaxy... or maybe even A DIFFERENT GALAXY! It’s the statistical equivalent of trying to find a needle in a planet made out of haystacks. Guaranteed, Boba has severe anger repression issues from the amount of times his employers have said something like “the target will be on Coruscant”, and he’s resisted punching them in the sphincter.

By the time the bounty hunter gets to the right planet, who is to say the target hasn’t already moved off world? It could be weeks or even months until they find out they were stood in the same landing terminal at one point, before the target randomly decided to “hit up Tatooine for some sick dune buggying”. Add to this the countless number of languages and currencies the different species trade in, the poor hunter would need a PhD in Universal Translation and a Doctorate in Intergalactic Exchange Rates just to make sure their employer wasn’t pulling one over one them. It’s a dark thought, but maybe the belly of the Sarlacc is a far more peaceful existence for our beloved badass.

2) Marvel Cinematic Universe – Air Traffic Controller

The argument of “not a dull moment” springs to mind, but I’d be thoroughly surprised if the officers in charge of policing the skies and keeping travel routes safe weren’t dribbling, nervous wrecks after all the Hulksh** that’s gone down in Marveltown. No one ever told Kevin Feige, head of Marvel and winner of “America’s Next Top Skyscraper Destroyer 2014”, that flying is the safest mode of travel. Granted, from what we’ve seen of DC so far, Superman’s destructive fight with Zod and Bane’s midair plane hijack / kidnap thing were pretty bad, but at least the latter had the decency to not do it over a populated area.

So after the Avengers had to deal with a S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier almost being brought down by a single explosive arrow, and a bunch of aimless cybernetic alien drones flooding in from a portal above, get this, New York, the air traffic controllers were presumably all given a week’s paid holiday to “let off some steam”. That is, until Tony Stark unleashes his Iron Legion (not a nickname for a body part), Thor takes on Dark Elves over London led by a warlord with “Keith” in his name, and S.H.I.E.L.D. decide to build more helicarriers which Captain America wholeheartedly intends to crash into one another. Sounds like a good enough excuse to bail off the planet, right? Not if you consider the air traffic controllers looking up at Kree warships over Xandar thinking the exact same thing...

3) Middle Earth – Beacon Lighter

Gondor calls Rohan for aid! We don’t know what kind of aid, all we know is there’s a fire on the hill – empty out the entire city for a mass exodus! Seriously, Minas Tirith could have just required a hand looking for a lost contact lens on their white marble floor. But nope – the watchers of the beacons have to be on hand 24/7 in case of any sort of vague emergency. Utilising a cutting edge system of lighting fires on top of freezing cold mountains (?), all that’s required is one or two blokes keeping an eye on their adjacent beacons. Forever. All alone. ON TOP OF A FREEZING COLD MOUNTAIN.

The practicalities of getting provisions to these lonely watchers aren’t half as bad as considering the potential for orc attacks, or death by hyperthermia. In fact, if an orc was to kill off the poor guards and light the fire, it could single-handedly cause confusion on a mass scale. Worse still is the potential madness the presumably nominated (because no one would volunteer) beacon lighters would have to endure, perhaps even leading to cannibalising their innocent partner. The only perk of the job? You get to be in the Return of the King’s arguably most epic scene for all of 5 seconds... Sign me up!

4) The Harry Potter Universe - CIA / FBI / MI5

You've taken your oaths, pledging full dedication to protect your country / nation, whatever it takes. Yet, you are a mere muggle, and loads of weird, unexplainable magic crap has started going down. Your bureau launches an investigation, but all of that can pretty much be erased in the blink of an eye. No matter how many "Cease and Desist" orders you distribute, you literally have NO defence against the many wizards and witches roaming around this world. A wave of their wand and you might suddenly believe that you have been, and always will be, a toaster.

Now living as a recepticle for heating bread, you return to your wife and kids after a long day at the office. Your marriage can't handle the strain any longer, and you're forced to sleep on the sofa. In the dead of night, you slip into the kitchen seeking companionship. Your wife comes downstairs the next morning to find you trying to climb inside the bread bin, yelling "THEY HAVE TO BURN"... All this because you were just doing your job, protecting your fellow man. Wizards can be assholes to muggles. Trust me. I learnt all of this stuff the hard way.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.