So You've Accidentally Kidnapped A Movie Producer...

First of all, relax. Don’t panic. The fact that you’re seeking out this advice online is the best possible first move you can make in this situation. In fact, I wouldn’t even be writing this if the producer currently bound and gagged in my warehouse didn’t give me a desperate nod of approval. It’s a situation you’re likely to find yourself in several times over your career, so you may as well learn how to get the most out of this thrice-in-a-lifetime experience.

1) Evaluate Your “Grab”

Of course the very notion of accidentally kidnapping someone is quite a stretch, considering the sizeable amount of effort it takes to undertake such an act. Nevertheless, at some point you gave into your subconscious desire and told yourself “I’m going to do this”, and now you’ve got to roll with that. Whether it was the result of a team meeting gone awry, a coffee house liaison that went a little tepid or just a common disagreement at a bus stop about the quality of Man of Steel, the time and place of your grab will dictate your crucial next steps.

Firstly, is the kidnappee aware of where you’ve taken them? If you were both dining in your living room watching ESPN moments before the grab, and now they’re magically in a basement, they’re going to know it belongs to you. The trick is to find a secluded, untraceable location, and have them blindfolded in the boot of your pickup truck en route (you’ve kidnapped someone – of course you own a pickup truck). Next, be sure the chair they’re tied to isn’t positioned near to any sharp metal, or that your producer happens to have slipped some of your silverware into their pockets. That’s as much a health and safety tip as an escape prevention tip.

2) Do Not Call The Police

This is a situation that will soon run its course. There’s no need to get external parties involved at any point. If you are, however, feeling pangs of guilt coursing through your facial hair (you’ve kidnapped someone – of course you have facial hair), here are few quick tips on how you can stay true to the course: 1) Turn off your mobile phone, no matter how tempting it is to pass the time with some Angry Birds right now. 2) Hide your mobile phone from yourself, doing your best to forget where you hid it. 3) Realise you can’t forget where you hid it, and just set that hiding place on fire. This method has worked numerous times for me, and will save you considerable money on phone contracts.

The point of this whole exercise is to make you a more assertive writer. You’ve spent your career pandering to the wants and needs of others, but now you’ve taken a bit of that power back for yourself. Other than the numerous legal and ethical codes you are currently violating, good on you. However, after the ceremonial phone burning, you’re now at a point of no return, and the horrible, disturbing truth of what you’ve done may start to dawn you – this is where many panic and botch what some would consider a valuable opportunity for a one-on-one pitch meeting...

3) Get Pitching

It’s worth mentioning that this is the stage where you should probably check that your unwilling guest is actually a movie producer, and not some lackey sent to let you down easy. If it’s the latter, just run away. If the former then congratulations - now is your chance to share some ideas with your single submissive audience member. Presumably, your abduction, like 98% of abductions, was purely because they didn’t dig one of your movie loglines. Have a list of reasons ready as to why they should be digging it – convince them. The lengths you’ve already gone to should help in making you appear to be serious.

If for some terrified reason they still aren’t particularly going nuts for your big movie idea, be sure to have a number of backups ready to pitch, like the one about the French Revolution set in space. The beauty of this environment is that you have unlimited time to sell yourself, and, let’s face it, a producer would be pretty silly to feign disinterest at this point. They want to escape their surroundings, so use your natural storytelling talent to help them lose themselves in your ideas. When they finally agree that an idea has potential, have a contract at the ready for them to sign with a free hand, binding their appreciation in writing (note – this brief window of having a single free hand is where over half of your “guests” will try and escape, so be ready to slap them across the face with a leather glove).

4) Devise An Exit Strategy

Sadly, at some point your little heart to heart has to come to an end. Hopefully by now you’ll have been able to secure that all important producer signature of approval by way of convincing or basic Stockholm Syndrome. Never fear if not, however - there’s plenty more producers in the sea (note: the middle of Atlantic Ocean is where many live full time). Now it’s time to wrap this innocent little kidnapping up by one of these tried and tested methods...

1) Knock them out before throwing them back into the sea from whence they came.
2) Collapse to the floor and wake up several hours later, stating that you were under the influence of a powerful hypnotist.
3) Release your “guest” if you feel that Stockholm Syndrome has consumed their minds fully, to the point that they’re basically ready to make love to you on the spot.
4) Knock them out and have them wake up in a hospital bed, explaining that the food you had previously served them contained *INSERT SUBJECT’S ALLERGY HERE*, and that they went into a coma for several weeks. If they ask about the kidnapping, state that it was all a wonderful dream. Joke that at least now they have time to consider the French Revolution set in space idea. They’ll ask you how you could possibly know about that idea. Stare into camera. Cut to Black.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.