Top 20 Inspirational Quotes That Inspire Me to Punch The Writer In The Face

We all need a little pick-me-up from time to time. Needless to say, most rational people will seek the solace of a friend, family member or a mysterious market merchant peddling magical jewellery. The internet’s inevitable means of combating this and becoming the one-stop shop for harmless advice is to endlessly spew out images (?) of seemingly random “feel good” words. That way, people can share the quotes with their friends on social media who didn’t need / ask for them. A quick Google search inspired me to compile this list (grammar verbatim)...

20)

“Wake up every morning with the thought that something wonderful is about to happen.”

Then go and brush your teeth, empty your bladder, change out of your sweaty PJs, do your taxes, sit in your hour long commute through dense traffic, etc.

19) 

“To live is the rarest thing in the world most people exist, that is all”

Yeah, you heard right. Loads of people you know aren’t actually living. They have no lives outside of your little bubble. You’re the centre of the goddamn world.

18) 

“You’ve got what it takes, but it will take everything you’ve got.”

In that case, you might as well not do it, because then you won’t be able to do anything else afterwards.

17) 

“A simple hello could lead to a million things.”

Like a £1 million lawsuit, followed by a restraining order. Most of the time though, they’ll just say “hello” back.

16) 

“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything.”

Of course, if you don’t have anything in the first place, then you have nothing to make the best of, and making the best of nothing is basically the same as making the worst out of something.

15) 

“Don’t be a woman that needs a man... Be a woman a man needs!”

Because, like it or not, your existence is always dependent on your relationship towards men, especially when you don’t want them.

14) 

“You only live once but if you do it right once is enough”

That’s right! There’s no afterlife! When it’s over, it’s over! Sorry we didn’t tell you this sooner, but you pretty much get zero second chances with this. #yolo

13) 

“sometimes you have to give up on people. not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.”

It’s totally fine that you don’t care about anything though. That’s why abandoning people comes so easy to you. And don’t get me started on how little you care about capitalisation.

12) 

“Remind yourself that it’s okay not to be perfect.”

Do this and you can pretty much get away with anything you do being a half-arsed job. People will accept mediocrity if it’s expected.

11) 

“Everyday is a second chance”

Because nothing you did yesterday matters, or will ever come back to haunt you.

10) 

“Don’t follow your dreams, chase them.”

Stalking is infinitely more efficient when it’s done at speed. Your relentless pursuit will endear you to them in the end.

9) 

“Judging a person does not Define who they are. It defines who you are.”

And you are a person who has never met a professional critic before.

8) 

“just because something isn’t happening for you right now doesn’t mean that it will never happen.”

Basically, it’s only a matter of time before you encounter a killer hitchhiker on this foggy, isolated road, so be patient.

7) 

“When you want to succeed as much as you want to breathe, that’s when you will be successful”

Because that way – Oh, wait. You died from lack of oxygen years ago.

6) 

“Life is so much brighter when we focus on what truly matters.......”

I’m sorry, what were you saying? I was too busy weeping in the corner on account of that hideous ellipsis.

5) 

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”

Fun Fact: 99% of Hollywood Biopics are written by the subject’s zombie counterpart. Seriously though, the pen is really expensive.

4) 

“The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.”

Honestly, you sucked yesterday. In fact, everything you’ve done up until this point has been pretty sub-par. Sort it out.

3) 

“Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which ones to surf.”

Right, because tsunamis are caused by “strong emotions”. Of course, if you can’t surf then you are pretty royally screwed anyway.

2) 

“There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs”

Unless you happen to have a private pass key for the exclusive Nepotism Elevator.

1) 

“Always wrong persons teach the right lessons of life”

Uhhh... Sorry, what?

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

So You've Accidentally Kidnapped A Movie Producer...

First of all, relax. Don’t panic. The fact that you’re seeking out this advice online is the best possible first move you can make in this situation. In fact, I wouldn’t even be writing this if the producer currently bound and gagged in my warehouse didn’t give me a desperate nod of approval. It’s a situation you’re likely to find yourself in several times over your career, so you may as well learn how to get the most out of this thrice-in-a-lifetime experience.

1) Evaluate Your “Grab”

Of course the very notion of accidentally kidnapping someone is quite a stretch, considering the sizeable amount of effort it takes to undertake such an act. Nevertheless, at some point you gave into your subconscious desire and told yourself “I’m going to do this”, and now you’ve got to roll with that. Whether it was the result of a team meeting gone awry, a coffee house liaison that went a little tepid or just a common disagreement at a bus stop about the quality of Man of Steel, the time and place of your grab will dictate your crucial next steps.

Firstly, is the kidnappee aware of where you’ve taken them? If you were both dining in your living room watching ESPN moments before the grab, and now they’re magically in a basement, they’re going to know it belongs to you. The trick is to find a secluded, untraceable location, and have them blindfolded in the boot of your pickup truck en route (you’ve kidnapped someone – of course you own a pickup truck). Next, be sure the chair they’re tied to isn’t positioned near to any sharp metal, or that your producer happens to have slipped some of your silverware into their pockets. That’s as much a health and safety tip as an escape prevention tip.

2) Do Not Call The Police

This is a situation that will soon run its course. There’s no need to get external parties involved at any point. If you are, however, feeling pangs of guilt coursing through your facial hair (you’ve kidnapped someone – of course you have facial hair), here are few quick tips on how you can stay true to the course: 1) Turn off your mobile phone, no matter how tempting it is to pass the time with some Angry Birds right now. 2) Hide your mobile phone from yourself, doing your best to forget where you hid it. 3) Realise you can’t forget where you hid it, and just set that hiding place on fire. This method has worked numerous times for me, and will save you considerable money on phone contracts.

The point of this whole exercise is to make you a more assertive writer. You’ve spent your career pandering to the wants and needs of others, but now you’ve taken a bit of that power back for yourself. Other than the numerous legal and ethical codes you are currently violating, good on you. However, after the ceremonial phone burning, you’re now at a point of no return, and the horrible, disturbing truth of what you’ve done may start to dawn you – this is where many panic and botch what some would consider a valuable opportunity for a one-on-one pitch meeting...

3) Get Pitching

It’s worth mentioning that this is the stage where you should probably check that your unwilling guest is actually a movie producer, and not some lackey sent to let you down easy. If it’s the latter, just run away. If the former then congratulations - now is your chance to share some ideas with your single submissive audience member. Presumably, your abduction, like 98% of abductions, was purely because they didn’t dig one of your movie loglines. Have a list of reasons ready as to why they should be digging it – convince them. The lengths you’ve already gone to should help in making you appear to be serious.

If for some terrified reason they still aren’t particularly going nuts for your big movie idea, be sure to have a number of backups ready to pitch, like the one about the French Revolution set in space. The beauty of this environment is that you have unlimited time to sell yourself, and, let’s face it, a producer would be pretty silly to feign disinterest at this point. They want to escape their surroundings, so use your natural storytelling talent to help them lose themselves in your ideas. When they finally agree that an idea has potential, have a contract at the ready for them to sign with a free hand, binding their appreciation in writing (note – this brief window of having a single free hand is where over half of your “guests” will try and escape, so be ready to slap them across the face with a leather glove).

4) Devise An Exit Strategy

Sadly, at some point your little heart to heart has to come to an end. Hopefully by now you’ll have been able to secure that all important producer signature of approval by way of convincing or basic Stockholm Syndrome. Never fear if not, however - there’s plenty more producers in the sea (note: the middle of Atlantic Ocean is where many live full time). Now it’s time to wrap this innocent little kidnapping up by one of these tried and tested methods...

1) Knock them out before throwing them back into the sea from whence they came.
2) Collapse to the floor and wake up several hours later, stating that you were under the influence of a powerful hypnotist.
3) Release your “guest” if you feel that Stockholm Syndrome has consumed their minds fully, to the point that they’re basically ready to make love to you on the spot.
4) Knock them out and have them wake up in a hospital bed, explaining that the food you had previously served them contained *INSERT SUBJECT’S ALLERGY HERE*, and that they went into a coma for several weeks. If they ask about the kidnapping, state that it was all a wonderful dream. Joke that at least now they have time to consider the French Revolution set in space idea. They’ll ask you how you could possibly know about that idea. Stare into camera. Cut to Black.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

Guy Fawkes and 4 Other Famous People Who Deserve Genre Biopics

With The Imitation Game on the brink of release onto our cinema screens, the world will soon be endeared to the struggles and brilliance of mathematician and code-breaking hero, Sherlock Hol Alan Turing. But today is a day of remembrance (or as the rhyme would call it “remembrance remembrance, the 5^th of Novembrance”), and as writers we have a duty to tell stories of such iconic figures as Turing. Today, we look at history’s forgotten or simply overlooked characters, and find creative ways to bastardise their lives into Hollywood blockbusters.

1) Guy Fawkes

Title: “A Fawkload of Bombs”

Genre: Action

Titular Role: James McAvoy

Fawkes’ plot to blow up parliament turned into a Die Hard-esque “one man against an army in a single building” kinda movie. The kicker is that he’s unsuccessful, but perhaps resolves some lingering issues with his ex-wife. Being set up as the fall guy (geddit?) by his co-conspirators make Fawkes a loose cannon on the edge with nothing left to lose.

2) Albert Einstein

Title: “E = mt Heart”

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Titular Role: Christoph Waltz

He could crack the mysteries of the Universe, but never the language of love. With his marriage to Mileva Marić on the brink, poor old Alb tries to focus on his work, but can’t keep track of the large number of affairs he’s trying to maintain. Enter his cousin, Elsa, to finally set him on the right path again. Until he eventually marries her, that is. Ew.

3) Boudica / Boudicca / Boadicea / Bunduca / Voadicia

Title: “That is No Man, Roman”

Genre: Slasher Horror

Titular Role: Lena Headey

As the warrior queen who led an uprising against the occupying forces of the Roman Empire, surely her reputation on the battlefield would precede her among the enemy ranks. A small phalanx of troops get picked off one by one in their own camp, all fearing the name that they can’t pronounce or simply can’t agree on.

4) Napoleon Bonaparte

Title: “’Course You Can, Corsican”

Genre: Farce

Titular Role: Jean Reno

The Battle of Waterloo is underway and Napoleon’s forces are starting to doubt him. Why? Well he’s only gone and got bloomin’ haemorrhoids! As Bonaparte’s blunders continue to stack up, hilarious antics ensue, and the sweet little military leader begins to start pining for a simpler life working at a vineyard in Bordeaux.

5) Bill Murray

Title: “No One Will Believe You”

Genre: All

Titular Role: Bill Murray

Bill Murray stars as Bill Murray doing everything Bill Murray does. Seriously, Google why this man’s life is incredible, because there’s just far too much to list here.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

The A to Z of Scriptwriting - A Definitive Alphabetisation

Someone once asked me what you need to be a scriptwriter. Turns out it was me asking myself in a steamed up mirror late at night. Nevertheless, following the considered instruction of Dr. MC Hammer, let us “break it down”.

A is for Action

Whilst it’s obvious you need stuff happening in your story, “Action” is equally important in your reality. Car chases, kung fu fights and helicopter escapes are fun, but won’t happen if you’re sat still.

B is for Beverage

A trusty drink at your side is invaluable in the writing process, whether it be for basic hydration, big bursts of energy or to let your inhibitions run free. But don’t get too drunk, energised or hydrated.

C is for Celtx

It’s the software that lets you do almost everything Final Draft does and it’s completely free. There is literally no downside to the arrangement - unless you count the hideously unreliable spell checker.

D is for Dialogue

You’ve got to know how people talk in real life and somehow make that interesting. This usually means cutting 90% of the content, hiding exposition and then inserting every possible one-liner.

E is for Emotion

A basic understanding of emotion is fine, but you’ll soon see that people experience several different emotions at once, depending on context. Try feeling angry, scared and happy as you write – it’s fun.

F is for Fingers

These under-appreciated appendages are how you get the words onto the page. The faster and more accurately you can use them, the better. Try exercising them regularly (not like that).

G is for Guts

A writer without fear is a writer to be feared. Throw caution to the wind when you write. There’s no rules that can’t be broken. You want producers to tell you that you have “balls”, even if you don’t.

H is for Humility

Confidence is all well and good, but a little modesty every once in a while can be far more effective in endearing yourself to important people. On the flipside, don’t put yourself down too much.

I is for Imagination

Dream big. Picture a battle between Poseidon and Mr. Motivator, straddled atop a gold-crusted unicorn, leaping between pancake-flavoured rainbows and a melting ice castle. Now write that.

J is for Judgement

Writing is a tough balancing act. You’ve got to judge the appropriate weightings for your project between character and plot, comedy and seriousness, protagonist and antagonist, etc.

K is for Knowledge

If you’ve got more than half a brain, which I assume you do if you’re able to read this, you’ll be able to inject some cold hard facts to lend your project some authority. Research, although dull, can help.

L is for Laptop

Take good care of your laptop, as it most likely contains the majority of your life’s work. Keep it with you where you can, ready for when a new idea strikes or if you just need to unwind with solitaire.

M is for Madness

Look, I’m not saying all writers are slightly insane. I’m just saying “bleep bloop garble glooble swirly line asterisk hashtag pound sign skull and crossbones edible underwear Manchester Airport fluffy”.  

N is for Networking

It’s all about who you know in this business. I’m proud to say that I’ve met a whopping seven people in my life, and two of those people own a television. Unfortunately, both of them are now missing.

O is for Omission

Writing is increasingly about what you don’t say. Silence and inaction can speak volumes. In a few decades, stories will probably be two characters sat in a room looking at each other for 90 minutes.

P is for Place

Find a spot where your creative flow isn’t blocked by a distracting dam and make it your own. It could be a dark cupboard, in the centre of a roundabout or, my personal favourite, in the sewer.

Q is for Questions

What good is a story if it doesn’t ask any questions? Pretty good question, if I do say so myself. Inquire about everything and everyone around you constantly. It will never get annoying.

R is for Representation

Works on several levels – 1) Your story represents certain groups / individuals, 2) Your story is a re-presentation of reality, 3) You represent yourself, as you 4) strive for industry representation.

S is for Story

Well, gee! Didn’t think of that! Enough sass. This is the most fundamental thing you need to be a writer. It could be original, based on a real event / person, an adaptation, anything. You need it.

T is for Twitter

Where better to share daily observations and stories than a network that encourages brevity? Follow the right people, retweet them, get followed, get retweeted, and so on.

U is for Unpredictability

You can spend years studying and learning the ins-and-outs of the craft, but unpredictability is something you can’t be taught. You have to find it within yourself so you can defeat Mecha Hitler.

V is for Visuals

Writing for the screen is all about them sick visuals, yo. I ain’t just chattin’ ‘bout explosions and such. I’m preaching “Show, don’t Tell”. Why have someone say “I’m sad” when you can show them crying?

W is for Watching

Part of researching your industry is watching everything you possibly can. This is the fun part. Nevertheless, choose carefully. Go for critical acclaim, cult success, the intriguing or the terrible.

X is for Xylophone

When you’re provided with a limited number of notes to play with, you need to stretch those notes to their absolute limit to get the most out of them, much like how I’ve stretched this metaphor.

Y is for Yes

Positivity and taking any opportunity that comes your way are the by-products of saying “Yes”. Grab every chance by the shoulders and scream “Yes! Yes! I want you! I need you!” until things get weird.

Z is for Zero

Disregard everything I just told you. You don’t really need anything to be a “writer”. You don’t need riches or an education or even much willpower. I guess we all need something to say though. Damn.

Now you know your ABCs, hurry up and write a script for me.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.