If Writers Had Their Own Reality TV Shows...

A famous man once said, “I want to be famous”. So he went on Reality TV and failed miserably, but ultimately succeeded in his dream. A year later, however, he was nothing more than a distant memory, and such is the nature of stardom. Whilst these shows cater towards aspiring singers, dancers, businessmen, prospective dates and dog jugglers, there’s a considerably absent niche in the form of writers, some of whom so desperately seek a platform to showcase their work that they’re willing to debase themselves on live television. Let me slap you in the face with some possible show examples.

1) The Writer's Got Voice and Talent Factor

Covering all of the X-Factor / The Voice / Britain’s Got Talent bases, TWGVATF is a chance for Joe Public to get up on stage, in front of an industry panel and a borderline bi-polar studio audience, and pitch their latest idea. The “auditions” will be a fun blend of spectacular showstoppers and downright dismal disasters, before a lucky 16 will be taken to “Das Boot Camp” and mentored by one of the four judges – Tina Fey, Quentin Tarantino, Joss Whedon and Larry David. From there, the contestants will have to come up with new themed ideas each week, as they get eliminated one by one. The winner will have their movie / TV show produced over the next 12 months and released the following Christmas, praying for a box office #1.

Sounds pretty good, right? Of course, the real draw will be the emotional drama the contestants have to endure, sharing a house with one another, as well as revealing their sad back-stories to the camera in private (before being broadcast out to millions of viewers). Equally, the playful “banter” between the judges will be a big draw, as their competitive streaks come out, prompting numerous practical jokes and, inevitably, some angry and awkward social faux pas. There will be spinoff versions across the globe, including TWGVATF Australia, Romania and Tibet. The show is a huge cash cow, basically, and it won’t stop until it has milked all of those financial teats completely dry.

2) The Writing Partner

“Charlie Brooker is on the hunt for his brand new writing partner. Ready to fight for his bitter approval, 12 aspiring creatives. On the table, a quarter million pound investment and a 50/50 partnership with Britain’s toughest filmmaker. It’s a deal worth fighting for. 12 candidates, 12 tough weeks, 1 life changing opportunity. The Writing Partner.” Intercut that with footage of Charlie Brooker angrily pointing, laying on scathing put-downs and people generally being incompetent, and we’re on to a winning format.

Each of the candidates has applied to the show with a resume and a potential feature film idea that they want to co-write and produce with Brooker. Over the course of the process, candidates are whittled down as they repeatedly fail at basic writing tasks, including monologues, adverts and world cinema. Operating as Brooker’s aides, stalwart wordsmiths Graham Linehan and Caitlin Moran follow the candidates around, pulling humourous faces and reporting back to their sardonic master. Of course, no show would be complete without an iconic catchphrase, with Lord Brooker (as they’re forced at gunpoint to call him) points at the latest casualty and tells them to “go away”.

3) Desert Island Devising

A group of sweaty, albino, shirtless writers are stranded on a beautiful desert island, preferably without a Starbucks on it, and then immediately killed off by a horde of unnaturally attractive, white-teethed reality stars who think they can write even more gooder than the people they just cannibalised. The group, now known as the “tribe”, united in the atrocities they committed, must work together to come up with a feature film idea that is guaranteed to sell – otherwise another tribe will come along, eat them and take their place. Each week the tribesfolk will gather together on the beach, and nominate the weakest writer to take their chances and swim out into the endless ocean, because that’s how survival works.

Of course, writing won’t be the only problem the survivors must worry about, as they must hunt and scavenge for supplies simply to stay alive, let alone for something they can write with / on. Tension builds over the course of the series, often leading to divides in the camp that possibly jeopardise the integrity of their finished idea. Come rain or shine though, the remaining three writers have to pitch the film at the end of the series to an angry Tiki God found in the centre of the dense jungle. Should the Tiki God accept the idea as a sacrifice, it’ll call upon a Hollywood studio executive who will helicopter in and rescue the winners. Also, we’ll throw some polar bears into the mix too, just to spice things up.

4) Keeping Up With The Kaufmans

Following the traumatic events of Adaptation, Charlie Kaufman lets camera crews into his home to keep track of the zany, possibly imaginary family he now lives with. Part scripted-reality, part meta narrative, we follow the day to day exploits of the prolific writer, as he questions his own career, his existence, the existence of the camera crew following him and us, the audience watching him. Unlike the Kardashians, the Kaufmans actively try to not be famous, whilst still following their numerous creative passions, until the paradox begins to condense reality into a creative singularity. Needless to say, things get a little wild.

On top of this exclusive peak at a family life he never wanted to you to see (or did he?), there are numerous behind the scenes clips of his personal struggles during the productions of his last few movies, shedding new light upon the enigma. However, given the fact that such footage exists from before the show began, would that not imply that Kaufman was weaving the narrative before he even knew there was one? Would that not imply that Kaufman has extensive knowledge of how his life will play out, based on logical assumptions and characteristic observation?! Would that not imply that Kaufman is a God who can see the future, perhaps even the aforementioned Tiki God from Desert Island Devising?! WOULD THAT NOT IMPLY THAT WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH THE KAUFMANS?!?!?!

Tune in to find out.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.