5 Ways to Sound Awesome When Talking About Your Movie

For people with such a firm grab grasp on the English language, writers are a bit rubbish at talking about themselves and their ideas. Pitching is about 30% of the battle when it comes to getting your work off the ground (along with 50% for the script itself, 15% for who you know and 5% of something else, mostly for the sake of even mathematics). In those panic-ridden moments where you find yourself having to pitch your latest project verbally, there's a few key tips to keep in mind to avoid showering your conversation partner with spoken diarrhea...

1) Judge If / When to Talk About Genre

Genre is the ultimate pitch shorthand, but I'd say that about half of the time, it can do more harm than good. The trick is knowing when to unleash the beast. With some genres, it pays to be completely upfront, pretty much opening with what it is. These include any genre that revolve around a setting (Western, War, etc.) or any genre that employs a specific tone or style (Comedy, Horror, etc.). Feel free to qualify these with a single specific subgenre, for example a Psychological Horror, but know that adding more subgenres actually says less about what it is (e.g. a Neo-Noir Revenge Psychological Horror Comedy) as the listener desperately tries to work out what the Hell that all entails.

What I will say for the other genres that I have yet to mention is that you need to ask yourself - is specifying the genre actually adding anything? Saying something is a "Drama" literally means nothing in this day and age. The genre should really be apparent from your logline, or at least the two or three lines you use to summarise the darn thing. If you know for a fact that it isn't, due to your narrative focus being different to what would typically be expected (e.g. an Action movie that focuses on a coming of age storyline), then use that as a twist within your pitch. Set the listener up to believe it's one thing and then pull the rug out from beneath them (not literally) when you reveal it's another.

2) Titles Can Make or Break Your Pitch

Titles work in a similar way to genres, in that you should avoid pitching them unless you're a) 100% certain you have the best title possible, and b) it won't confuse what you've just pitched or are about to pitch. If you're confident in it, lead with it - although if it happens to be a comedy, beware of how your current audiences may react to puns. If you're less confident, I'd recommend not mentioning it at all, unless directly asked.  Even then though, if you admit to there being a "working title", your listener's brain is going to immediately conclude that you have no idea what you're actually doing, even if you've just proven that isn't the case.

One thing I like to do, which has worked in my favour most times, is to find a way to include the title, whether it be a phrase or just a single word, within one of the sentences of your pitch. That way, the title already feels strongly linked with the end product. For instance, if your film was titled Guardians of the Galaxy, your opening of your pitch would be something like "A band of five outlaws and misfits become wrapped up in a plot threatening intergalactic security, and must join forces to become the Guardians of the Galaxy." You get the idea. Note - you may struggle with this if your title is more avant garde or a thematic symbol, but I'm sure you'll find a way.

3) Say as Little as Possible

Have you ever stopped to wonder why someone has asked you about what you're working on? Could be that they're simply making polite conversation after droning on about their latest project for the last 20 minutes, but, if you're a glass half full kinda person, it's more likely that they are genuinely interested in your ideas. Now think back to your years in education - weren't the sessions where you were actively encouraged to participate and answer questions far more engaging than the lectures where the teacher would talk solidly for a full hour? Your pitch needs to be interactive and the best way to do this is to leave threads dangling.

I'm not advocating that you basically ignore the opportunity to pitch here. I'm reinforcing what we already know - that brevity is crucial. Pitch your entire film in a single sentence, that includes a) your main character(s), b) their ultimate goal and c) the main thing that is preventing them from achieving said goal. If you've done your job right, your "listener" will maybe ask a question or two (e.g. "Why is the main character depressed?", "Why do they want to become the Prime Minister of Canada?", "How are they going to overcome the hoard of Probing Aliens camped between them and Mr. T's penthouse?"). Be prepared for these questions, and answer them in a single sentence. You don't want your audience to feel like they're working too hard though, so be sure to always LAD... Leave A Dangler.

4) Mention Other Films at Your Own Peril

"It's like Who Framed Roger Rabbit meets Braveheart". What does the even MEAN? In your mind, you've borrowed elements from two different "beloved" movies and created your own. But in that one sentence, there's no indication as to what elements they even are, and so now your audience is scratching their heads trying to work out whether you mean it's a Comedic Noir set in the Scottish Highlands or if it's a blend of live action and animation where fictitious characters team up with William Wallace to overcome... something?! You can maybe get away with this IF your single logline sentence was already super clear as to what you're trying to achieve.

But then you run into a different problem - what if your audience doesn't like either or ANY of the films you've just mentioned. Sure, in a professional context, they would try to remain objective, but there's no doubt that their preconceptions over the quality of those films won't weigh on them subconsciously. And now, worst of all, your audience is thinking about someone else's work and not your own. Keep your pitch focused on your story entirely, and if your listener happens to draw those comparisons for themselves then that's absolutely fine - at least they've engaged and understood what you're saying rather than trying to decipher some cryptic riddles.

5) Don't Think About It as a Pitch

I'm aware this goes against pretty much everything you just read (unless you skipped to the end, you Cheating Charlie), but this is probably the most important tip of them all. The way you can achieve this is simple, but involves a little dedication on your part. Memorise your one sentence logline, to the point where you don't sound like a 5 year old in a school nativity play, but that it comes out naturally like breathing itself. You want to be reeling that thing off in your sleep. Now, whenever someone asks you to talk about your movie, it's nothing more than just flexing a muscle. You can focus on the important stuff, like developing a rapport with your listener beforehand, making it feel more like a casual conversation.

Obviously, you don't want to sound blasé though, as the thing that will kill your project fastest is a lack of passion. Think about the three major pointers in your sentence as you're memorising it, and put the right amount of emphasis on the character, the goal and the obstacle. Make the character sound unique, make the goal seem out of their reach and, most of all, make what's stopping them even greater. At this point, it isn't a pitch any more whenever you have to reel off that sentence. You've said it about 500 times to your terrifying dog, so a guy in an elevator isn't going to be much of a threat. The main thing is, you've managed to think big but keep it small, and that's what anybody who is listening is going to appreciate most.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

Competitive vs Cooperative Writers (and How That Battle Isn't Totally One Sided)

There are two kinds of writers in this world - talented writers and bad writers. Within those two categories exist two more categories - good and evil writers. Finally, within those two exist the last groups - competitive and cooperative writers. This means you're either a talented good competitive, a talented good cooperative, a talented evil competitive, a talented evil cooperative, a bad good competitive, a bad good cooperative, a bad evil competitive or a bad evil cooperative writer. The system, I'll admit, isn't perfect. Let us collectively wallow in the impending explanations as to whether it's better to be cooperative or competitive.

1) Career Timing is Everything

Writing isn't like typical business - at least not the kind of arrogant, self-promoting dickery you'd exclusively find in the 1950s or on every series of the Apprentice. You can't come out of the gates wanting to take over the world, because you just won't be talented enough to do so yet, no matter how much praise your parents and that one geography teacher smothered you with. A formal education in writing looks good on paper, even if it isn't what will sell your work (spoiler alert: your work will have to do that). No, your education is really about building up a network of like-minded individuals you can be co-operative with.

Once you've discovered the virtues of working together with fellow writers, as if your career was the subject of a Lifetime Movie, there will be a horrible limbo period where you feel you may have to betray that trust a little. This is when you've left education and are trying to make it on your own. Naturally, you probably won't directly sabotage anyone else's chances of getting a job, but you may choose to be a little more withholding when it comes to opportunities you've come across. Your karma won't be out of balance for too long, hopefully, as the moment you've found a comfortable "in" with the industry, you're in a better position to give that old, pathetic friend you backstabbed the leg-up they need or deserve.

2) Competitions

Let us analyse this dark limbo period in a little more detail. Exemplifying the amount of luck required in "making it" are writing competitions. If you have the natural talent to beat out staggering odds and climb to the top of the desperate pile, then congratulations - you genuinely, truly deserve to be a writer. Employers and Agents look at competition wins very positively, providing they're relevant to writing and not just OK magazine's weekly Sudoku. Obviously, some awareness of these odds may put the required amount of pressure on your work, forcing you to be your absolute best - that's just natural competition.

So is it even possible to look at competitions as a cooperative opportunity, more so than a competitive one? Many competitions allow entries from writing partners or even small teams, which can help build up your pre-existing working relationships. Will it double your chances? Unlikely. The end product is what matters, and cultivating a consistent, singular narrative voice between two or more people can be incredibly tricky. Equally, you need a clear plan on how any prizes are to be divided, otherwise things can get very... awkward. Nevertheless, if you and your partner(s) are unsuccessful, any feedback the competition judges may provide could illustrate points to build on, making your team even more formidable the next time around.

3) Film Production

Some writers genuinely forget that they are just one cog in the filmmaking machine. The old saying of the script being a "blueprint" which every other sector works from is still pertinent today, and no-one needs to understand that better than writers themselves. Combine this with a collective feeling of under-appreciation and insecurity in the industry, and it becomes very easy for a writer to become a bitter keyboard warrior who... Oh crap, I might be talking about myself here. I digress - weighing the value of writing over every other facet of production, be it directing, editing, sound or even makeup and costume, only seeks to create competition where there should be collaboration.

The main problem is that the writer becomes something of a loose end, once his or her job is done (unless they're a writer / director, which is totally cheating by the way). Their "product" becomes the director's product, which becomes the editor's product, which becomes the marketing department's product, and so on. Writers have made a stand regarding their appreciation in the past, such as the 2007 Writers Strike, resulting in numerous beloved shows becoming terrible for a bit. But whilst wages and credit are important when due, shouldn't writers just be embracing the nature of the collaborative process, rather than coming across as petty and attention-seeking? I don't know, you tell me.

4) The Writing Process

On the most micro scale, this is ultimately what the battle between competitive and cooperative comes down to. All writers, no matter how terrible or evil, have a voice. Some are clearer and more defined than others, granted, but everyone expresses themselves at least slightly differently. When a partnership or group collaboration comes across their idea, everyone is going to form a different opinion on how it should be executed. Through this conflict, compromises are made or one side wins out. But who is to really say what's going to work better? If one person in a group has an idea that no one else in favour of, but continues to promote it anyway, doesn't that suggest that the idea is actually incredibly vivid and only suffers through its current articulation?

So, while one member of the team may come across as stubborn and unreceptive, the other(s) may in fact be pursuing something that is actually just more obvious, and therefore, not quite as good. I'm not trying to fly the flag for the one difficult guy - just weigh up the validity of ideas. Equally, if several ideas are suggested, and then purely in the interest of collaboration, a compromise is made, isn't that just diluting the content to the point where it isn't really saying anything? Being cooperative doesn't have to mean everything goes in the interest of continuing the working relationship - in fact, honesty often proves to be the best policy. There's nothing wrong with outright rejecting your partner's idea. Just let them down easily, but concisely, because you never know when all of this is going to come up in a courtroom.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

In Defence Of... 5 Widely Hated Movie Plot Points

Ever watched a movie and came away thinking, "Man, that one plot point really sucked the life out of everything else"? It happens quite often. Truth is, there's a great deal of pressure on the writer to not only fill 90-180 minutes of screen time, but to make it all important, unique and consistent. So, while some of the points in this article are, for the most part, inexcusable on the surface, I'm going to take you through why the writer(s) may have thought to include them. Also, SPOILER ALERT.

1) Midi-chlorians - Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

I was born in 1990, which means I was 8 going on 9 by the time The Phantom Menace came out - arguably the perfect age to enjoy that film. Anakin Skywalker wasn't a whinny little brat to me. He was aspirational. Of course, looking back now, my appreciation for the movie has somewhat skewed, mostly thanks to the ingenious Red Letter Media review (seriously, look it up), but there was one moment that stuck out, even as a kid as a little icky - the reveal that the Force, arguably the most beloved invisible power source in cinema history, was just science.

Midi-chlorians, as described by the ever-wise Liam Neeson, are a microscopic organism present in all living cells, and large quantities allowed the host to communicate with the Force. Ever more gross is the suggestion that Anakin was conceived by midi-chlorians... So how can I possibly defend this? Well, what George Lucas was trying to convey in the moment was just how powerful  Anakin was as a boy, without implicitly showing him using the Force. The logical way to gauge something's power level in Science Fiction (or in Dragonball Z) is to arbitrarily stick a number on it that is way higher than everyone else's - in this case, a midi-chlorian count. So while he may have inadvertently pooed on his own legacy, Lucas actually managed to convey the ongoing theme of the prequels, power, in quite a logical, efficient manner.

2) Superman Does A Bad Thing - Man of Steel

I think the thing that some audiences forget about superhero origin stories is that they're origin stories from beginning to end. The "origin" part doesn't stop as soon as they've donned the costume for the first time. In fact, the whole point of Man of Steel is for Kal-El to decide which origin he should place his faith in - his birthplace of Krypton, or his adoptive home of Earth. Both come with vastly different ideologies, personified by Kal's two fathers, Jor-El and Jonathan Kent. One suggesting he should stand above the humans, inspiring them to find their own greatness. The other warning him that humans fear what they can't control or understand. In my opinion, this dilemma visibly weighs upon Kal in every scene - the mark of a compelling movie.

Then Zod shows up and things get a little muddy. Zod represents the extreme of what Jor-El proposed, standing so far above those weaker than him that they practically have no right to exist. By this stage, the newly appointed Superman (not that he even gets called that directly) hasn't even had time to save a cat from a tree, let alone stop any previous global scale invasions. It all comes down to a fight between Supes' and Zod that decimates half of Metropolis, and ending in a choice - should he kill Zod to save a family of humans? With one neck snap, Clark makes his choice, but he's found his balance. Earth is his home, but Superman can't show weakness. Even in that following scene where he destroys the drone, and jokes with the military, more like the traditional Superman we know, there's a sense that he's guarding himself. It's likely now that he won't kill again, but find another way to keep everyone on Earth safe. However you feel about how this was all handled, there's still some aftermath to be dealt with...

3) What Happened to Llewelyn Moss? - No Country For Old Men

No Country For Old Men is a gripping, cat-and-mouse, neo-Western thriller about Llewelyn Moss, a man who happens upon the scene of a drug deal gone awry and a case filled with 2 million dollars. Hot on his tale is Anton Chigurh, a relentless hitman, determined to reclaim the money no matter what stands in his way. This naturally comes across as a pretty obvious protagonist vs antagonist relationship, and that we're going to spend most of our time with Moss. For the most part, this is true, but the movie is also bookended by Sheriff Bell, who laments about the dark times in which they live.

So after we've followed the numerous near misses of Moss and Chigurh, the focus starts to shift off of them again. In typical Coen Brothers fashion, chance and circumstance blend together, as Moss' Mother-in-Law unwittingly reveals his location to a group of Mexicans. Bell arrives late to the scene of a gunfight to find that Moss has been killed, off-screen. He also has an opportunity to apprehend Chigurh, but leaves. The truth is, Moss was never our protagonist. He didn't change or give up the money, putting his wife in harm's way. He had to die. The real story is Bell's, who retires, unable to stomach what the world has become.

4) Bane Isn't The Big Bad -The Dark Knight Rises

Revealing who was really behind it all is always a risky move in films where there's already quite a traditional villain laid out. Bottom line, the twist has to be justified by the relationship between the Big Bad and the Bigger Bad, as well as the reasons behind the deception. In The Dark Knight Rises, whilst Bane brings Gotham to its knees in honour of the fallen League of Shadows, the real puppet-master (or mistress), turns out to be Talia Al Ghul, daughter of Ra's Al Ghul, finishing off what her father started in Batman Begins. Bane in the comics is typically defined somewhere between a physical powerhouse and a master strategist, and here he's presented as a balance of the two.

However, to define Bane as a follower, rather than a partner, is ignoring the fact that Bane is the one doing all the physical legwork. Talia, pretending to be Miranda Tate, comes up with the plan but can't get her hands dirty due to her political position. But they both share the same desire - to see the people of Gotham suffer, born from their father-daughter relationship cultivated in prison. There's strong motivations here, presented in a grounded, if slightly comic book, way. Compare this to the infamous Mandarin twist in Iron Man 3, where the reasons for the deception are far more bizarre and unclear, and TDKR more than holds up (Disclaimer: I personally loved the IM3 twist, but more because it was mostly played for laughs - the actual logic behind it is just baffling).

5) The Ending - I Am Legend

I may have written myself into a corner on this one... For those of you who know the original Richard Matheson novel, you'll know that it comes with a very clear ending and message. The story's nocturnal mutants, known as the "Darkseekers", come face to face with self-proclaimed legend, Robert Neville, in his lab. The alpha male draws a butterfly emblem on the glass separating them, indicating the female that Robert has in his captivity. In that moment, Robert realises that he is the monster to these creatures, returns the female and ends up leaving New York with Anna and Ethan, headed for a survivors camp with an antidote for the plague. Instead, the film gave us a "I'll hold them off" moment, as the Darkseekers try to break through the glass and Robert sacrifices himself by blowing himself and them up with a grenade.

The strangest part about all this is that they filmed the original ending, but test audiences didn't like or get it, so they changed it. Apparently the idea of humans being the bad guy just didn't add up considering everything else that had come before. It's not like the Darkseekers all cowered away in fear, whilst Robert roamed the streets laying traps... Oh. If the message of the novel is that at some point, humanity will stand in the way of evolution, the message of the film is "Oh, Hell No We Won't". So, really it's a glass half empty vs. a glass half full situation. It's not totally unbelievable that audiences would want to come away with some semblance of optimism, right? In both versions, they still find and deliver the cure - it's just a choice between whether a depressed Robert is with Anna and Ethan at the time or not. Is it better to be dead or depressed in an apocalypse? I guess that's the ultimate dilemma the screenwriters faced...

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

Which Oscar Nominated Film Are You Accidentally Writing?

Good ideas, much like bad ideas, are a constant. You’ll find yourself unable to identify which category your idea falls into at first, let alone whether or not someone has already thought of that idea. But don’t fret! With this handy guide, judged against the apparent “best” movies of the last 10-12 months, you’ll be able to see if the core of your story idea is actually similar to something that’s already out there, and subsequently scrap the whole thing if need be. You can thank me later for crushing your dreams.

1) Is your Film based on a True Story?

If Yes, go to Question 2.
If No, go to Question 3.
If Sort Of, go to Question 2 anyway you indecisive fool.

2) Does your Film focus on a Time of War or Immense Political Change?
If Yes, go to Question 4.
If No, go to Question 5.
If Sort Of, go to Question 5 and evaluate your life.

3) Is your Film a Fantasy or Science Fiction Film?
If Yes, go to Question 6.
If No, go to Question 7.
If Sort Of, go to Question 7 and quit blending genres.

4) Is your Protagonist a Soldier in the Film?
If Yes, go to Question 8.
If No, go to Question 9.
If Sort Of, go to Question 9 and stop endangering honest men.

5) Does your Protagonist  have an Abusive Mentor?
If Yes, go to Question 10.
If No, go to Question 11.
If Sort Of, go to Question 10 and lay off the poor kid.

6) Is your Film going to be Animated?
If Yes, go to Question 12.
If No, go to Question 13.
If Sort Of, go to Question 13 and stop relying on CGI.

7) Is your Protagonist slightly Disturbed in the Head?
If Yes, go to Question 14.
If No, go to Question 15.
If Sort Of, go to Question 15 and don’t come back.

8) Does your Protagonist Get Taken Prisoner At Any Point?
If Yes, go to Result Number 1.
If No, go to Result Number 9.

9) Is your Protagonist White?
If Yes, go to Result Number 2.
If No, go to Result Number 10.

10) Does your Film involve any Physical Combat?
If Yes, go to Result Number 3.
If No, go to Result Number 11.

11) Is your Protagonist Still Alive Today (in Real Life)?
If Yes, go to Result Number 4.
If No, go to Result Number 12.

12) Does your Film Lean More Towards Science Fiction?
If Yes, go to Result Number 5.
If No, go Result Number 13.

13) Is your Film a Musical?
If Yes, go to Result Number 6.
If No, go to Result Number 14.

14) Is your Film a Thriller?
If Yes, go to Result Number 7.
If No, go to Result Number 15.

15) Is your Film focussed on a Family?
If Yes, go to Result Number 8.
If No, go to Result Number 16.

The Results:

Naturally, this process is all incredibly reductive, so if your movie hasn’t conformed to this basic quiz, then head to the very bottom of the results to Number 17, where you will find your prize. Otherwise, be sure to comment with your result at the bottom!

1) You’re Writing Unbroken!

Nominations: Best Cinematography, Best Sound Mixing, Best Sound Editing

2) You’re Writing The Imitation Game!

Nominations: Best Film, Best Lead Actor, Best Director, Best Supporting Actress, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Original Score, Best Film Editing, Best Production Design

3) You’re Writing Foxcatcher!

Nominations: Best Lead Actor, Best Director, Best Supporting Actor, Best Original Screenplay, Best Makeup and Hairstyling

4) You’re Writing The Theory of Everything!

Nominations: Best Film, Best Lead Actress, Best Lead Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay, Original Score

5) You’re Writing Big Hero 6!

Nominations: Best Animated Feature Film

6) You’re Writing Into The Woods!

Nominations: Best Supporting Actress, Costume Design

7) You’re Writing Nightcrawler!

Nominations: Best Original Screenplay

8) You’re Writing Boyhood!

Nominations: Best Film, Best Director, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Original Screenplay, Best Film Editing

9) You’re Writing American Sniper!

Nominations: Best Film, Best Lead Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Film Editing, Best Sound Mixing, Best Sound Editing

10) You’re Writing Selma!

Nominations: Best Film, Best Original Song

11) You’re Writing Whiplash!

Nominations: Best Film, Best Supporting Actor, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Film Editing, Best Sound Mixing

12) You’re Writing Mr. Turner!

Nominations: Best Original Score, Best Cinematography, Best Costume Design, Best Production Design

13) You’re Writing How to Train Your Dragon 2!

Nominations: Best Animated Feature Film

14) You’re Writing Interstellar!

Nominations: Best Original Score, Best Sound Mixing, Best Sound Editing, Best Production Design, Best Visual Effects

15) You’re Writing Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)!

Nominations: Best Film, Best Lead Actor, Best Director, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Original Screenplay, Best Cinematography, Best Sound Mixing, Best Sound Editing

16) You’re Writing The Grand Budapest Hotel!

Nominations: Best Film, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, Best Makeup and Hairstyling, Best Original Score, Best Cinematography, Best Costume Design, Best Film Editing, Best Production Design

17) You’re Writing The Lego Movie!

Nominations: Best Original Song

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

4 Terrible Pieces of Writing That Are Utterly Inspirational

The internet has truly brought about the generation of “The Critic”. For every new piece of content created, there are potentially millions of audience members all with something to say about it. It’s almost too easy to trash someone’s work without any real form of backlash, because we’re all vastly removed from one another, and, for the most part, recognise each other’s right towards free speech. However, there are some pieces of writing out there that are so universally panned by amateur and professional critic alike that they’re enjoyable for that very reason. Here’s how writers can actually learn from them...

1) My Immortal – Harry Potter Gothic / Emo Fan Fiction

I’ll admit, I very much like the idea of fan fiction. It suggests a community of aspiring creators, all immensely passionate about a story world / arena that they can’t help but breathe more life into it. Of course, in practice, not everyone quite has what it takes to produce a decent work of fiction, despite how passionate they may feel. Part of this usually comes from the fact that the author can’t help but write themselves into the work, and the other part of it follows a little rule known amongst internet users as “Rule 34” (Google at your own caution). Enter My Immortal, the most infamous piece of fan fiction ever made...

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6829556/1/My-Immortal

The story follows Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way (I wish I was joking), a vampire teen who attends Hogwarts, cultivates several romantic relationships with famous Potter characters, goes to Good Charlotte concerts and casually drinks blood from time to time. Alarm Bells immediately ring when the author says her friend Raven helped spell check the story in her first author’s note (“Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling”). I implore any aspiring writers to read it, as it literally forms a list of everything you shouldn’t do when writing a story, particularly fan fiction – no matter what the original intention is.

2) Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus and All Of Its Hybrid Counterparts

I’ve got nothing against straight-to-DVD releases – in fact, many new filmmakers actually choose to start out this way before they’re notorious enough to achieve theatrical distribution. However, there’s one production company, known as The Asylum, that has literally thrived off the backs of terrible movies, both original and rip-offs. They’re the people responsible for familiar sounding titles like Transmorphers, Snakes on a Train, I Am Omega and Sunday School Musical, purposely designed to confuse your Gran during her Christmas shop. However, when the company decided to start focusing on original content, there were some true treats in store...

With Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus, the company were finally making deliberately bad movies on terrible budgets that were actually new. Say what you will about the end products, but their marketing department must comprise of creative geniuses, sprouting eye-catching titles like Abraham Lincoln Versus Zombies, 2 Headed Shark Attack, Mega Python Versus Gatoroid and more recently, Sharknado 2: The Second One. Most people buying and watching these films know they’re bad, but are actually curious as to how these bizarre monsters and conflicts actually play out on screen, and THAT is what you need to be doing with your concepts.

3) Sonic ’06 – The Most Baffling Video Game Reboot in History

Sonic the Hedgehog became a pretty huge mascot for Sega in the 90s – he was faster, cooler and bluer that Nintendo’s Mario. Once video games started getting a little more 3D as console power grew, Sega began to struggle on how to implement the titular hedgehog’s speed without making the player’s experience involuntary nosebleeds. Upon the release of the Xbox 360 and PS3, the Sonic team rush released a fundamentally unfinished reboot, known informally as Sonic ’06. Setting aside all the problems with the game itself, the story is possibly the most inconsistent, baffling, nonsensical mess of any game ever.

Credit to the creators for being ambitious enough to attempt 3 intertwining stories based on what character you choose, but nothing gels well here. First off, Sonic and his colourful friends now inhabit a bland grey world filled with real human people, whilst trying to stop the grossly cartoonish Eggman who has kidnapped some human princess that Sonic might have the hots for. Also Shadow, Sonic’s darker counterpart, now has an even darker counterpart named Mephiles, there’s some crisis about a giant flaming worm called Iblis destroying the world, and there’s time travel which results in the 3 massive campaigns being reset, and no one learning anything from the experience. Too far, Sonic ’06... Too far.

If you want a flavour for how bad this truly is, I’d highly recommend watching the opening of Game Grumps’ playthrough. Hey, maybe watch all of it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7AtQHXCW5s

4) The Room

Ok, I couldn’t have possibly done an article on this topic without even mentioning Tommy Wiseau’s classic train wreck, The Room. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve watched it on my hands and feet any more, and I enjoy it every time. Granted, some people literally cannot stomach it longer than 20 minutes, but every time you come out the other side, you feel like part of yourself has changed, nay EVOLVED. It’s so utterly compelling in how ridiculously unpredictable and inconsistent it is that you literally have no idea what lies around the corner for the characters to say “Oh Hi” to. There are numerous unresolved plot lines, laughable twists and bizarre characters that you have to wonder whether you are actually watching a complex art film.

Ultimately, there’s something deeply life-affirming about The Room for any writer. You now have a point of reference to say, “OK, I can never produce anything this bad, so maybe I do have some talent”. Thinking about the movie while I’m writing my own literally boosts my confidence, which is crucial in committing to the life of a writer. By this logic, I almost feel bad for The Room – it has bought joy to millions of people, and yet still gets labelled as a “bad” film, like just now, when I totally said that. Writing is, at its core, about finding ways of entertaining people, and this movie actually excels in this field. So forget all the rules about character, narrative and basic logic, because giving the audience a good ride is the only thing you need to strive for.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

Why the 5 BAFTA "Best Original Screenplay" Films Were Nominated

I love the “Best Original Screenplay” Category of any awards organisation. Why? Because it strips back all the extraneous factors that people say make up a great film (e.g. direction, cinematography, Daniel Day Lewis) and focuses solely on the style and substance of the story. Naturally, there may be a degree of bias in that love, but, as previously asserted, I have the relevant degree to allow me to make such declarations. So whenever a new year comes around, along with a new, fresh set of screenplay nominations, it’s a fun little hobby to analyse and speculate what made them stand above their competitors.

1) Birdman – Alejandro G. Inarritu, Nicholas Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris Jr, Armando Bo

Written by some sort of modern reboot of the Four Tenors, Birdman is truly unlike any film you have seen before. Akin to that distinct stress dream that anyone who has ever performed on stage before has experienced, the movie seamlessly glides around the theatre, jumping from scene to scene, building to a dizzying climax of desperation, madness and false validation. Among the chaos, the titular Birdman looms in the shadows, reflective of a bygone career and pulling the strings to orchestrate his dramatic comeback.

What really makes the screenplay great are the unique, yet eerily familiar, contrasting characters that populate the story world. Different schools of acting, public persona cultivation and ignorance are violently bashed against one another and deconstructed in the resulting mess. Every character feels like a ticking time bomb, and part of the joy for the audience is wondering who is going to go off first. Birdman isn’t a superhero film at all, although it has plenty to say about them... I would more accurately describe it as an “alter-ego” film.

2) Boyhood – Richard Linklater

The basic pitch for Boyhood almost sounds like it came from some sort of bet, late at night in a bar after a few too many drinks were consumed. Films have spanned vast timescales before, often relying on period costumes or bizarre prosthetics to achieve some semblance of age, but never undertaken with this level of ambition or determination. Whilst it was filmed over a staggering 12 years, adapting itself to the changing world on the fly, take a moment to consider the level of forethought and planning required in the scripting stages.

Linklater’s Screenplay taps into a deep nostalgia buried in almost every male on the planet, and confidently unfolds it before our eyes, like pulling out mementos from a time capsule. It doesn’t feel the need to distribute rose tinted spectacles among the cinema-goers however, charting the rocky perils of adolescence alongside the innocence of youth to a level of exceptional realism. Naturally, the ambition and notoriety of Boyhood will certainly aid in its nominations during awards season, but ultimately the amount of care and precision taken with the screenplay to make the world feel believable will be what secures it any victories.

3) The Grand Budapest Hotel – Wes Anderson

Separating our perceptions of the fantastic performances and direction of The Grand Budapest Hotel with that of its screenplay is arguably much easier than with any other film on this list. That’s not to say that there is a noticeable disconnect between what we’re seeing and what was on the page – in fact, it’s that the writing, as always with Wes Anderson, is so sharp that it has inspired these great performances and directorial cues from the start. He’s created a world, specifically a hotel, that you want to visit, populated by characters that you want to meet, in spite of the dire situations surrounding the plot.

Taking place over 4 different time periods, with varying levels of narrative focus, the film manages to sustain a consistent story momentum, framing what could have been an over-convoluted crime caper with a complex balance of necessary restraint with delightful whimsy. Dialogue is punchy and witty throughout, accelerating the story breathlessly from set piece to set piece. The Grand Budapest Hotel, at its core, however, is about the blossoming of an unlikely friendship, and how the titular hotel manages to cultivate a relationship between two men that spans decades.

4) Nightcrawler – Dan Gilroy

While it would have been great to have a solo film for the one member of the X-Men (X-Man?) that has been significantly underappreciated in the movie universe, what Nightcrawler provides is a scintillating thriller that noticeably stopped my heart from beating on multiple occasions. Lou Bloom, a determined man in search of a job in LA, finds himself muscling into the cut-throat world of “stringers”, who stalk police sirens in order to be first to the scene of the crime with their camera, before selling their footage on to local news studios.

Bloom himself is a chilling combination of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho and Abed from Community, spouting business idioms with an unsettling level of disconnect for the victims. As the title suggests, the character becomes almost predatory, and when he begins to blur the lines between observer and participant, you can feel the stakes being dramatically ramped up inside your own throat. Nightcrawler grabs you harder than any of the other films on this list, desperately dragging you down the rabbit hole, forcing you to take a long look at the ethics and presentation of the news, and who really is “the star”.

5) Whiplash – Damien Chazelle

First and foremost, this film isn’t actually out yet, and while I would love to read the screenplay ahead of its release, part of me doesn’t want my first viewing to be spoilt... which is interesting, considering what I said earlier about the script being the purest form of the story. Nevertheless, let’s look at what I do know about Whiplash. The story is partly based on writer / director Damien Chazelle’s experience as a band student in High School, particularly his fear towards his intimidating instructor. It drove him to strive for greatness, despite it almost seeming like his instructor was trying to stop him from achieving it.

So what exactly does Whiplash tap into? Unfaltering determination in the face of adversity, going beyond your self-prescribed limits and a deep need for validation. Perhaps what the film is providing for audiences is a new take on modern aspirations. Forget the obvious desires that come with superhero movies, or the vicarious gratification of action or romance films. What has become inherently interesting to us now is the pure strength of will, patience and hardship required to be the best at something – a distant hope we all seek, but are only now willing to accept the price of.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.