Guy Fawkes and 4 Other Famous People Who Deserve Genre Biopics

With The Imitation Game on the brink of release onto our cinema screens, the world will soon be endeared to the struggles and brilliance of mathematician and code-breaking hero, Sherlock Hol Alan Turing. But today is a day of remembrance (or as the rhyme would call it “remembrance remembrance, the 5^th of Novembrance”), and as writers we have a duty to tell stories of such iconic figures as Turing. Today, we look at history’s forgotten or simply overlooked characters, and find creative ways to bastardise their lives into Hollywood blockbusters.

1) Guy Fawkes

Title: “A Fawkload of Bombs”

Genre: Action

Titular Role: James McAvoy

Fawkes’ plot to blow up parliament turned into a Die Hard-esque “one man against an army in a single building” kinda movie. The kicker is that he’s unsuccessful, but perhaps resolves some lingering issues with his ex-wife. Being set up as the fall guy (geddit?) by his co-conspirators make Fawkes a loose cannon on the edge with nothing left to lose.

2) Albert Einstein

Title: “E = mt Heart”

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Titular Role: Christoph Waltz

He could crack the mysteries of the Universe, but never the language of love. With his marriage to Mileva Marić on the brink, poor old Alb tries to focus on his work, but can’t keep track of the large number of affairs he’s trying to maintain. Enter his cousin, Elsa, to finally set him on the right path again. Until he eventually marries her, that is. Ew.

3) Boudica / Boudicca / Boadicea / Bunduca / Voadicia

Title: “That is No Man, Roman”

Genre: Slasher Horror

Titular Role: Lena Headey

As the warrior queen who led an uprising against the occupying forces of the Roman Empire, surely her reputation on the battlefield would precede her among the enemy ranks. A small phalanx of troops get picked off one by one in their own camp, all fearing the name that they can’t pronounce or simply can’t agree on.

4) Napoleon Bonaparte

Title: “’Course You Can, Corsican”

Genre: Farce

Titular Role: Jean Reno

The Battle of Waterloo is underway and Napoleon’s forces are starting to doubt him. Why? Well he’s only gone and got bloomin’ haemorrhoids! As Bonaparte’s blunders continue to stack up, hilarious antics ensue, and the sweet little military leader begins to start pining for a simpler life working at a vineyard in Bordeaux.

5) Bill Murray

Title: “No One Will Believe You”

Genre: All

Titular Role: Bill Murray

Bill Murray stars as Bill Murray doing everything Bill Murray does. Seriously, Google why this man’s life is incredible, because there’s just far too much to list here.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

The A to Z of Scriptwriting - A Definitive Alphabetisation

Someone once asked me what you need to be a scriptwriter. Turns out it was me asking myself in a steamed up mirror late at night. Nevertheless, following the considered instruction of Dr. MC Hammer, let us “break it down”.

A is for Action

Whilst it’s obvious you need stuff happening in your story, “Action” is equally important in your reality. Car chases, kung fu fights and helicopter escapes are fun, but won’t happen if you’re sat still.

B is for Beverage

A trusty drink at your side is invaluable in the writing process, whether it be for basic hydration, big bursts of energy or to let your inhibitions run free. But don’t get too drunk, energised or hydrated.

C is for Celtx

It’s the software that lets you do almost everything Final Draft does and it’s completely free. There is literally no downside to the arrangement - unless you count the hideously unreliable spell checker.

D is for Dialogue

You’ve got to know how people talk in real life and somehow make that interesting. This usually means cutting 90% of the content, hiding exposition and then inserting every possible one-liner.

E is for Emotion

A basic understanding of emotion is fine, but you’ll soon see that people experience several different emotions at once, depending on context. Try feeling angry, scared and happy as you write – it’s fun.

F is for Fingers

These under-appreciated appendages are how you get the words onto the page. The faster and more accurately you can use them, the better. Try exercising them regularly (not like that).

G is for Guts

A writer without fear is a writer to be feared. Throw caution to the wind when you write. There’s no rules that can’t be broken. You want producers to tell you that you have “balls”, even if you don’t.

H is for Humility

Confidence is all well and good, but a little modesty every once in a while can be far more effective in endearing yourself to important people. On the flipside, don’t put yourself down too much.

I is for Imagination

Dream big. Picture a battle between Poseidon and Mr. Motivator, straddled atop a gold-crusted unicorn, leaping between pancake-flavoured rainbows and a melting ice castle. Now write that.

J is for Judgement

Writing is a tough balancing act. You’ve got to judge the appropriate weightings for your project between character and plot, comedy and seriousness, protagonist and antagonist, etc.

K is for Knowledge

If you’ve got more than half a brain, which I assume you do if you’re able to read this, you’ll be able to inject some cold hard facts to lend your project some authority. Research, although dull, can help.

L is for Laptop

Take good care of your laptop, as it most likely contains the majority of your life’s work. Keep it with you where you can, ready for when a new idea strikes or if you just need to unwind with solitaire.

M is for Madness

Look, I’m not saying all writers are slightly insane. I’m just saying “bleep bloop garble glooble swirly line asterisk hashtag pound sign skull and crossbones edible underwear Manchester Airport fluffy”.  

N is for Networking

It’s all about who you know in this business. I’m proud to say that I’ve met a whopping seven people in my life, and two of those people own a television. Unfortunately, both of them are now missing.

O is for Omission

Writing is increasingly about what you don’t say. Silence and inaction can speak volumes. In a few decades, stories will probably be two characters sat in a room looking at each other for 90 minutes.

P is for Place

Find a spot where your creative flow isn’t blocked by a distracting dam and make it your own. It could be a dark cupboard, in the centre of a roundabout or, my personal favourite, in the sewer.

Q is for Questions

What good is a story if it doesn’t ask any questions? Pretty good question, if I do say so myself. Inquire about everything and everyone around you constantly. It will never get annoying.

R is for Representation

Works on several levels – 1) Your story represents certain groups / individuals, 2) Your story is a re-presentation of reality, 3) You represent yourself, as you 4) strive for industry representation.

S is for Story

Well, gee! Didn’t think of that! Enough sass. This is the most fundamental thing you need to be a writer. It could be original, based on a real event / person, an adaptation, anything. You need it.

T is for Twitter

Where better to share daily observations and stories than a network that encourages brevity? Follow the right people, retweet them, get followed, get retweeted, and so on.

U is for Unpredictability

You can spend years studying and learning the ins-and-outs of the craft, but unpredictability is something you can’t be taught. You have to find it within yourself so you can defeat Mecha Hitler.

V is for Visuals

Writing for the screen is all about them sick visuals, yo. I ain’t just chattin’ ‘bout explosions and such. I’m preaching “Show, don’t Tell”. Why have someone say “I’m sad” when you can show them crying?

W is for Watching

Part of researching your industry is watching everything you possibly can. This is the fun part. Nevertheless, choose carefully. Go for critical acclaim, cult success, the intriguing or the terrible.

X is for Xylophone

When you’re provided with a limited number of notes to play with, you need to stretch those notes to their absolute limit to get the most out of them, much like how I’ve stretched this metaphor.

Y is for Yes

Positivity and taking any opportunity that comes your way are the by-products of saying “Yes”. Grab every chance by the shoulders and scream “Yes! Yes! I want you! I need you!” until things get weird.

Z is for Zero

Disregard everything I just told you. You don’t really need anything to be a “writer”. You don’t need riches or an education or even much willpower. I guess we all need something to say though. Damn.

Now you know your ABCs, hurry up and write a script for me.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

3 Spooky Scriptwriting Short Stories

Deep from within the crypts of coffee shops, the shrill screams of scriptwriters echo around cavernous halls, unable to comprehend the ungodly terrors within these tales three. For what profession could be more utterly terrifying than that of the lonely scribe? So, fill up your chalices with special brew from your basement, sit back in your creaky armchair (then sit forward again, and then back, and so on), and prepare yourselves for a spine-chilling series of spooky short stories showing scary scriptwriters in shocking situations. Seriously...

1) P-Die-F.

“You’ve got 6 hours, Ray. Get it done, by whatever means necessary.”

Dial tone. The white glare of a laptop monitor shone across Ray’s face, as he placed his phone down by his side. Ray had been good today, eliminating all distractions so that he could finally finish off his draft in time for the producer’s arrival this evening. And finished it, he had. What he had failed to anticipate was this...

“Converting to PDF: 0%”.

47 minutes it had been doing this. Not that Ray was counting. His conveniently placed digital clock had just turned to 14:00. 6 hours to go.

Ray wasn’t resting on his laurels either. Still high from his writing work buzz, he had tried everything he could think of to get that progress bar moving. Turning the program off and on again, turning the laptop on and off again, trying different software, turning that off and on again... everything.

Needless to say, Ray was starting to get a little bit nervous. Pacing up and down his study (i.e. bedroom) and turning his back to the screen, only to spin around quickly to try and catch it out. Nothing. No progress. The clock flashed over to 15:00.

Ray started to shake, looking around his room for answer. Desperately searching. Glancing back at the clock, Ray did a double take. His terrified stare illuminated by that lava lamp he’d nicked from a car boot sale in Durham last year. 16:00.

Knowing time was no longer on his side, Ray angrily marched towards his clock and turned it away. The red digits now shining upon his back shelf. Ray paused and leaned in, seeing a familiar sight in the red light. A signed photograph of Ray with David Lynch at a Scriptwriters Award Ceremony. Suddenly, it clicked.

Ray beamed, as he sat back at his laptop, opening up an email tab. Add attachment. Send to: dlynch@twinpeaks.com. Subject: HELP ME DAVID. NEED PDF ASAP. Send.

Ray sat back in his chair, catching his breath. A wave of relief spilling over him. DING! An email response. Ray leaned forward faster than ever before in his life. His eyes widened. 4 words...

“Sorry can’t. Internet Broke.”

Ray trembled, trying to hold in the anguish. The pain. The confusion. But he could no longer, unleashing a colossal scream of pure torment. He leapt to his feet, smashing everything he could find around him. Destroying the room he’d spent years working from. Falling off the desk in the melee, the clock read 19:00. 1 hour left.

Ray grabbed his picture of David Lynch and punched it with his free hand, glass shattering everywhere. Ray shrieked in pain as a deep cut emerged on his knuckle. BEEP.

Ray froze and looked at his laptop. 1%. The number looking almost foreign to him. He held up the shattered picture frame, Lynch’s kind eyes trapped behind it, and ran another finger along the broken glass. Another cut. Another BEEP. 2%. Ray’s face filled with determination.

20:00. Knocking at the door. The voice from the phone calling out for Ray.

Alone in the destroyed room, submerged in a thick pool of scarlet blood, the laptop BEEPED a final time. 

“Converting to PDF: 100%”. “PDF Complete”.

2) Writer’s Room Doom

The studio had assembled a crack squad of up and coming writers to pen the next big Hollywood zombie movie, and locked them all into a cramped writers’ room. After exchanging pleasantries and discussing the distinct lack of food in the room, the five hopefuls got down to business, throwing ideas around and onto the white board if there was unanimous agreement. All were experts in different genres – Julia in Comedy, Harry in Romance, Bill in Action, Nancy in Sci Fi and Tiberius in Satirical Hardboiled Courtroom Steampunk Fantasy Animation.

“How about we set it in a shopping mall? There could be a sweet sequence where the zombies start bashing down the barricades, and the survivors are all like “ARRRGGGHH”, shooting their M16s at-“

“Can I stop you there, Bill?” interjected Julia. “I really think a mall is a little too cliché for a setting, unless we were doing a total parody, which I’m totally down for by the way.”
“I agree with Julia”, chimed Tiberius. Julia smiled, thanking him, before spotting Harry taking notes, muttering something about “establishing support between protagonists” under his breath.

Sensing the group turning to her for an opinion, Nancy felt the pressure to choose a side. She looked over at Bill, nodding enticingly. Trying to reel her in, Bill mouthed the word “MALL” in the most unsubtle manner possible. Nancy gulped down the lump in her throat and spoke up.

“Well... the mall could be an allegory for the rampant nature of modern consumerism?”
“Oh come on, Nancy! Not you too! We’re trying to write a new film here guys” sighed Julia.
“Yeah, but, like, a mall would be like a SICK place to hang out during the apocalypse, because there’d be loads of food and shelter and all the stuff would be free” argued Bill. 

Julia looked disbelievingly between him and Nancy, who shrugged her shoulders and nodded, now even more taken with the idea. Julia addressed the room.
“Have any of you people ever even seen a zombie movie? That’s the exact strategy the heroes always use and it NEVER WORKS”.
“I agree with Julia”, chimed Tiberius.
“Thank y- don’t keep agreeing with me for no reason Tiberius!”
“Sorry Julia. You’re absolutely right.”

The room now clearly divided, with Julia and Tiberius on one side and Bill and Nancy on the other, all eyes fell upon Harry, buried deep in note-taking. Julia snatched his notepad, much to his annoyance, and began to read aloud to the group.

“Two lonely souls, brought together by chance in confusing circumstances, only to find solace in each other’s arms. They’re forced to stick together when the other members of the group pressure them to follow their lead, establishing support between the protagonists. Things get particularly steamy when they find themselves to be the last ones left, locked in each other’s embrace as doom slowly approaches them...”

Julia looked up, noticing Nancy and Bill looking deep into each other’s eyes. She glanced down at Tiberius who gave her a creepy wink. Shuddering, she handed Harry back his notepad. With that, Bill leaned over to him, and lightly whispered one word. “Mall”. Nancy looked at Harry too, and echoed Bill’s statement. “Mall”. Slowly realising that it might be the perfect setting, Harry nodded slowly and exclaimed to himself... “Mall”.

Julia stood up, shaking her head in fear.
“No, no, no! Please God! Not the Mall!”
Tiberius stood up alongside her, resisting the urge to agree out loud. Bill, Nancy and Harry slumped out their chairs, arms outstretched towards the non-believers, groaning “Mall” over and over. Advancing like some sort of brain-dead horde.

Backed up in the corner, Tiberius and Julia held each other, accepting their grim fate. Tiberius leaned in for a kiss, but Julia punched him in the gut (at this point, it might be worth mentioning Tiberius was like 3 times older than Julia and had two glass eyes). In their final moments, the cacophony of the word “Mall” reached a dizzying crescendo as Tiberius and Julia both screamed it harmony with their aggressors.

Outside the writers’ room, a studio exec sat checking his watch. After a moment, he pulled off his shirt, revealing a McDonalds uniform. The writers’ room was in the centre of the food court at the Mall all along...

3) The Exorcism Of A Terrible Idea

A withered hand knocked three times on the door, before retreating out of the pouring rain. As the door opened, light poured out onto the doorstop, showing a haggard old man wearing a black robe. The man was Reverend Vern. In the doorway, and concerned husband and wife nodded and welcomed the mysterious man inside.

The couple led the man up the spiral staircase, stopping on the landing. Vern looked at them before looking ahead. An ominous sign before him.

“Timmys Room”. It was worse than Vern thought. The boy was too young to even know apostrophes existed. Vern nodded to the parents, who hastily retreated downstairs. Vern approached the doorway, and slowly pushed it open...

Sat in the centre of the room, wearing a dinosaur onesie, playing with his cuddly toys, was little Timmy. No more than 3 or 4 years of age. He barely noticed as Vern took a seat on a small stool, regularly used by Timmy to “reach the big toilet”.

Vern observed the boy for a moment. He seemed perfectly normal, like any other boy. Vern leaned in, ready to ask the question he had travelled miles to ask...

“Tell me about the Teen Vampire Fiction series you’re planning on starting, Teresa”.

With that the boy’s head rotated 180 degrees, meeting Vern’s gaze with piercing blue eyes. Timmy responded with a horrifically distorted blend of his youthful voice and that of middle aged woman -
“That is no business of yours, Priest! I’ve completed a treatment and a step outline for all 14 installments, and only I may see them before I give them to Hollywood!”

Vern was taken aback at the response. It was as he feared.
“Why have you chosen Timmy as a vessel to complete your mission from Hell?”
The voice rasped back, “The boy is strong! He will do well for the idea to be taken seriously!”
Vern shook his head, “Teen Vampire Fiction is a saturated market, Teresa. Leave this mortal coil peacefully, or greater powers shall have to intervene.”

Timmy’s head rotated back around rapidly, as he leapt up onto the ceiling, sticking to a poster of Phineas and Ferb. The demon spat out his tongue at Vern, taunting the old man. But the priest would not be that easily bested, and reached into his robe. Timmy tilted his head, curiously, before recoiling in pure fear, the demon within shrieking for mercy.

A copy of “STORY” by Robert McKee, held outstretched by Vern, burning the demon from within Timmy. As ghostly powers circled around the room, the old priest recited the ancient incantation...

“I cast thee out, unclean spirit, alongside all similar flimsy narratives aimed at pre-pubescent girls, straight back to the fires from which you were spawned! In the name of all that is good characterisation, efficient plotting and decent in the realm of film-making, I command you release this young innocent, and ne’er return to spread your corruption, your vile nature or your ineffective depiction of female characters. In fact, and I’m going off book here, let’s say your male characters as well. Seriously. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, yeah... BE GONE!”

With a flash, the demon was banished, and Timmy fell from the ceiling safely into the priest’s arms, who set him down in his bed before leaving the room. Now finally silent.

Leaving the house through the living room, the priest was modest as Timmy’s parents thanked him. Vern turned to leave, before stopping in his tracks. A bookshelf on the far end of the room. Vern’s face turned grim once more.

The complete Twilight series sat on the shelf. He looked at Timmy’s parents, disappointed in their lack of subtlety, before leaving for good – his faith in humanity truly shaken to the core.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

What to Do If You're A Writer Who Isn't At London Screenwriters Festival

It’s that magical time of year where every aspiring writer worth their salt heads to our majestic capital with starry-eyed dreams of hitting the big time, making lifelong friends and pretending to know who everyone else is. Unfortunately, my doctor has advised me against salt for the better part of a year, and, like many other writers, I find myself at home like the other 362 days of this celestial cycle. However, time spared should not be time wasted, and with a clear agenda of things to be getting on with, writers can turn their “stay-at-home” festival experience into an equally productive long weekend.

1) Gratuitously Plan Your Trip to Next Year’s Festival

Most people who buy tickets to events often find that they don’t have time to sufficiently plan out their agenda before the trip comes around – that’s why my last expedition to Glastonbury Festival involved me queuing for a single portaloo for 5 whole days. Planning before you have the tickets, however, let alone before the event and its line-up are even announced, gives you infinite creative freedom in your preparation stages. With nothing else to be getting on with this year, you can make yourself to appear almost God-like in your knowledge when next year comes around.

London ain’t cheap. I’m led to believe that the Shard wasn’t actually built out of stretched cling film. Booking the best value accommodation is paramount, and you have a massive head start on getting the best of the best. Learn the intricacies of the tube and bus schedule too, making them appear with open arms before you whenever you elect to stop at a platform. Schedule definitive bathroom breaks, opportunities for wardrobe changes, brief windows for “impromptu” social interactions, EVERYTHING... Before you know it, you’ll have gained a reputation at the festival as a human encyclopaedia, or, more likely, a frightening weirdo.

2) Plot A Way to Infiltrate This Year’s Festival

If you’re already in London, then you have an unmissable opportunity here. So for some reason you weren’t able to get tickets because you didn’t have the money, or you weren’t sure if you’d be available, or a burglar broke into your house and only stole your internet router, or whatever. There’s no law against you just happening to be in the vicinity of the festival as it takes place, or even hanging around to ambush any of the famous speakers on their way back to their mode of transportation (Note to Editor: Check Laws). They may be reluctant, even scared, to give you that one on one time, but thrusting a 100 page feature script into their hands will definitely change their mind.

Maybe lurking around on the outside isn’t your bag. Maybe being carried inside of your bag and dropped near a luggage pile by a helpful minion associate is the perfect way to gain access. Alternatively, find someone’s festival schedule booklet and Tip-Ex in your name as a keynote speaker – a trick that will certainly best any door staff if 90s family comedies are to be believed. Perhaps you could try the old “ambush a staff member in a cupboard and steal their uniform” trick? It’s possible that this is all getting a bit too “illegal” for your tastes... Well, we’ve all got to do things were not proud of to get on the Ladder of Success.

3) Start Your Own Rival Scriptwriting Festival

Ok, this approach does particularly reek of “I’LL SHOW THEM”, but hear me out. The vast majority of working screenwriters statistically aren’t going to London Screenwriters Festival this year, because there’s just too many of us. Maybe this is a geographical phenomenon? Who is to say that there shouldn’t be a Scottish Highlands Screenwriters Festival or an Isle of Wight Screenwriters Festival or a John O’Groats to Land’s End Screenwriters Festival / Tour Bus? Just by not being in London, you have an opportunity to massively undercut LSF on price alone, because let’s face it, not all writers are completely loaded from birth.

Perhaps your approach could be to “go niche” and pick a specific cult genre that already has a built-in fan base. But what good is the “Steampunk-Western-RomCom-Noir Screenwriters Festival” if you have no guest speakers, I presumably hear you ask? That presents you with a number of options... Option Number 1: Find random people of the street, show them a quick PowerPoint and then dress them up as your “industry experts”. Option Number 2: Actually do some research and seek out real experts, if they exist, and then negotiate travel, accommodation, payment, blah blah blah... Or, my personal favourite, Option Number 3: Take your guest’s money and run / save it for next year’s LSF.

4) Take A Luxurious Holiday From Writing

Obviously, you’ve spent every waking hour of every waking day for the last year working hard and constantly writing, right? You haven’t been, say, scouring the internet for cat memes, cleaning your house to avoid calling it “procrastination”, out drinking with friends, watching TV, watching movies, watching YouTube, watching people in the park, aimlessly wandering around the park, wondering if there’s any point to it all, video gaming, popping out to the post office in search of excitement, gambling, more drinking with friends, calling cinema trips “research”, drinking alone, attending illegal underground cock-fighting matches, or treating yourself to expensive ready meals... have you? No? Good. Then you deserve a holiday.

Book yourself a flight to a place you’ve never heard of on the departures board, and ask the check-in girl that there aren’t any sort of wars going on there. If not, then you’re in for the holiday of a lifetime! You can relax by the beach, sip on a pina colada, stare out into- what’s that? Kathmandu doesn’t have any beaches? Well then, a sightseeing hike will definitely reinvigorate your senses, after a quick stop off at their local Subway, where- Oh. Wow, this isn’t like Stoke at all... Hmm, maybe you should have spent your time last year while you weren’t at London Screenwriters Festival planning this trip to avoid such embarrassment.

5) Write

You have a three day head start on everyone who is at the Festival right now. Use it wisely.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

So You Just Got A Scriptwriting Degree? Here's What to Do Next...

Bottom line with this one – I’m going to be brief here. I just got a result I’m very happy with for my MA Scriptwriting Degree, and I’ve got some serious celebrating to do. But this isn’t about me. This is about those crucial next few steps into reality where you’re now playing the part of a writer full time. A writing degree is obviously a good first step towards getting an agent, securing a decent “industry” job or mildly impressing old classmates at school reunions, BUT no one ever tells you about these key life choices you’re now in the unenviable position to make.

1) Update Your Image

The real world of writers demands top designer brands, bizarrely impractical haircuts and gratuitous amounts of plastic surgery – I’m talking full Zellweger. That’s just a fact. But even though image is everything to this stylish bunch, you’ve got to stand out. You can be the one wearing old, black band t-shirts from the years before you were born, develop hair and or bald spots where no one else thought to have them, and ignore the social stigma around “not wearing deodorant”. There are simply no writers out there like this, and if you can be that person, producers and fans will flock to your doorstep, desperate to bag your first “big” idea.

2) Live Near / In Coffee Shops

Half of the old “right place / right time” phrase is apparently being in the right place. Everyone in the media business loves tea or coffee, or, like me, pretends to like them to appear impressive or to avoid a faux pas whenever “no, I don’t like tea or coffee” gets misheard to mean the opposite. So, get yourself a flat near or above or preferably inside the kitchen of one of these social hubs, and plant yourself in a corner during the day, staring at a script you finished ages ago. Guaranteed, you’ll be approached in a mere matter of years by someone who is remotely interested in investing in you, almost entirely at random. Again, this is a hot tip, so use it wisely.

3) Give Up Sustenance

What better way to motivate you to go out there and get a writing contract than the burning desire to eat?! By cutting out your regularly consumed foods and drinks one by one, it won’t be long before you have the gaunt, frail frame of a true writer. Basic healthy living becomes a reward to strive towards once you’ve “made it”, meaning your physical appearance is more indicative of your success level when you look in the mirror. If you’re wondering how living in a coffee shop and not eating is going to be possible, well, clearly you haven’t tried the food that they serve there. That stuff can be reserved for the most desperate of times.

4) Get As Many Pets As You Can, As Fast As You Can

I personally only talk to strangers on the streets who have pets with them. It’s not down to my general misanthropy not extending to animals – I just think pet owners are better conversationalists. Heck, I’m even inclined to give them more money if they ask me! That’s why you need to buy a dozen or so pets and roam the streets with them. You’ll get an awesome rep, and, before long, producers won’t even mind when you bring them all along to your high powered business meetings (in coffee shops of all places). Quick rule – the more unattractive the pet, the more attractive you and your new image will be.

5) Forget Everything You Know About Social Boundaries

Let’s face it – you’ve earned this. With nothing left to stand in your career’s way other than yourself, a degree gives you the permission to anything you can imagine, and, to a certain extent, total police immunity (DISCLAIMER: A certain extent)... Do what you got to do to get that big career break, even if it means turning up at the Head of the BBC’s estate in the dead of night and setting up camp. A restraining order is just a fancy way of saying “Hmm, I’m not quite convinced yet”. If the recognition you seek is far more public, then I wholeheartedly recommend the “Town Centre Slam Poetry / Half Naked Interpretive Dance w/ Chickens Taped to Armpits and Small Russian Baby Dressed As Liberace For A Hat” approach.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.