It’s no mere industry fabrication that Professional Script
Readers constantly have a Kilimanjaro worth of scripts to sift through on a
daily basis. Add your own latest compilation of “World-Altering” pages into the
mix, and, just when the poor bibliophile thinks they’ve reached the top, they’re
confronted by yet another waste-of-a-good-tree’s worth of paper to feign
interest in. Perhaps it’s in honour of all of the tortured Script Reader souls
out there that I propose these alternative ways of presenting your physical
script, so that they may not be met with years’ worth of built up contempt, but
instead a sense of mild confusion, at the very least.
1) Different Fonts and Sizes
Look, I love Size 12 Courier as much as the next guy, but after weeks on end of staring at its archaic form, everything starts to blur until all you can see is the grinning face of Buddha, winking at you like the (presumably Italian) Pringles face. Several hundred pages of this font at a time isn’t summarised into a Beautiful Mind-esque montage of floating words and numbers – it’s a long, often arduous, affair of fading dreams and increasing irritability.
Every font comes with its own reputation and meaning, so imagine mixing it up depending on the genre or the scene you really want to push. Rather than waste a page awkwardly detailing where your characters are putting their hands during intimacy, slap the reader across the eyes with a bold, six word proclamation in IMPACT – “THEY MAKE OUT AND LIKE IT”. Maybe your blissfully naive supporting character talks entirely in Comic Sans? Or you lampshade your inherently boring bits with a splash of Times New Roman? The possibilities are as endless as they are pointless.
Just beware of using Windings. Readers won’t have as much patience as you to translate this.
2) Print on Coloured Paper
What does black text on a white page say about you? Nothing. The colours alone suggest sheep, let alone the sentiment. Consider what white text on black paper would say to a lonely reader on a cold Monday morning – “Wow! This writer must be loaded to afford printing this! I should represent him and get a piece of that disposable ink income!” Go a step further with a seasoning of colour, and who knows, they might not even need to read the damn thing.
The ramifications of this chromatic revolution in the industry are endless. Scripts could be colour-coded depending on what director they’re intended for – a deep grey for the morally ambiguous Scorsese, the bluest blue for the pathological downer Lars von Trier, and how perfect would brown text on brown paper be for Michael Bay? It’d certainly be a step up from the bog roll he’s been relying on up until this point.
Of course, if you’re not prepared to invest your pot noodle money into coloured paper stock, chances are you won’t want to invest your pot noodle time into the next suggestion...
3) Handwrite Your Script
Reliable sources (Google) inform me that Bionic Wrists are totally a real thing, which absolutely makes this a viable option for anyone fearful of impending Repetitive Strain Injury. A typed up, printed script will not reflect the blood, sweat and tears you pour into your storytelling (DISCLAIMER: This blog does not advocate writing in blood), as every scribble, spelling error and stray eraser shaving tells even more of a story than your mere words can.
Perhaps you’re thinking it’s a little dangerous giving this cave-dwelling creature you call a Script Reader such a profound insight into your damaged psyche? That’s fine - just get one of your subservient friends to ghost write it for you, in exchange for a pre-agreed upon reward (definitely don’t mention the word “contract” at any point), like a nice meal or two months of life drawing classes. Bear in mind, they should definitely have better handwriting than you, and pushing them to write more than 15 hours a day may cause them to go a little “REDRUM” on your ass.
If you’re hardcore enough to attempt it alone, however, be sure to have that Bionic Wrist on standby. I mean, what else are you going to use it for?
4) Draw Pictures
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then you can easily knock out your two hour long feature film in about 20-30 fun doodles instead. You wouldn’t even have to colour them in (your coloured card should do that for you) before you place your hard-hitting anti-Socialist political drama in the hands of a Reader who might just be starting to hate the alphabet. I’d wager it’d brighten up their day so much that they’d take it home and place it on their fridge door, right in between their shopping list comprised entirely of cheap pasta meals and their council-ordered eviction notice.
It stands to reason that film, being a visual medium, relies on visuals (and, to a lesser extent, mediums). So if you’re artistically challenged, how about calling upon that subservient friend again to render your profound story in pretty water colours? Word of warning, they may only be capable of drawing nudes after those classes you previously gifted them, but maybe that’s exactly what your PG animation about road safety needs to catch a producer’s eye.
It may be at this point in development that you want to cop out and turn your overly-demonstrative masterpiece into a comic book. This works even better, as Marvel will definitely buy the rights and find a way to cram you into their expansive film universe anyway.
Nice one Cottle-Cat! Following x
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